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  “Oh ha ha, and what is your beverage of choice Jolly? Jack and coke? Budweiser?” Colby was trying hard to come across as serious, Chris could tell, but the smile never left his eyes, so Chris knew he was messing with him.

  “Close, Rum and coke. Jolly?”

  “You know, the jolly green giant.” Colby winked at him again.

  “Funny. I’m Chris, nice to meet you Colby.” They both turned and watched the mass of bodies dancing, writhing, kissing and touching on the dance floor just in front of where they stood. Chris didn’t know what else to say, so he didn’t say anything. He kept stealing glances out of the corner of his eye at the man that stood next to him, Colby stood there with his head bobbing to the beat of the music, smiling and watching the scenery before him.

  Just about the time the silence bordered on awkward, Colby nudged Chris’s arm with his elbow, “So,” Colby leaned closer to Chris, making sure he could hear him over the loud music. “Are you really straight? Or are you bi? OH, is it my lucky day and you are bi-curious?” Colby waggled his eyebrows.

  Chris laughed at him, shaking his head. “Nope, sorry man, I’m as straight as a board. But don’t worry, I got no problem with the lifestyle, my best friend and his boyfriend live together so I’ve spent a lot of time around gay guys and couples. Doesn’t bother me in the least.”

  Colby nodded his head as he tipped back the pink drink and took a large swig, the silence was creeping in on them once more, and then Colby nudged Chris’s shoulder again. “Can I tell you a secret?” Chris simply nodded. “My name is not really Colby, its Colton.”

  “So you use a fake name just in case you don’t like a guy or something.” Chris asked.

  “Or something,” Colby, no. Colton said. “Gay boy 101 when you live in the big apple, never use your real name unless it’s family or someone you know you can trust.”

  “And you think you can trust me?” Chris asked, attempting to leer at his new friend. Colton threw his head back and laughed again, but this time Chris dodged the swipe at his arm.

  Colton frowned at Chris when he sat his empty glass on the bar and ordered a glass of water instead of another drink. “You driving?” he asked. Chris shook his head. “Then why the water?”

  “I have a one drink rule, and before you ask, don’t. Let’s just say, alcohol and I have a history, an ugly one, so I consume in moderation when I drink.” Chris stared down at the smaller man, waiting to see what his reaction would be.

  Colton just eyed him for a few seconds before smiling and shrugging his shoulders. “Ah, well, more for me then!”

  Chris laughed at his new friend. After a few more rounds of water, cosmos and some pleasant conversation, Chris asked Colton where the bathrooms were and they headed off in that direction. More than once Chris had to hold Colton up, the cosmos working their magic, turning Colton’s legs to jelly. When Chris was washing his hands after, he noticed a stack of fliers sitting on the counter. Grabbing one he skimmed over it then turned to Colton, “What’s this place? Do you know?” he asked.

  “Ah yes, All Cocks, the end all be all of gay porn.” Colton sort of sang the words instead of speaking them. “I thought about it once, its good money, but I have this fear of public speaking, so I don’t think I could even be on camera much less have sex on camera. Jesus, but the models on that site are H.O. double T… HOT!” Colton fanned himself with his hand and Chris just laughed.

  Colton shook his hands out instead of drying them, and then ran his damp fingers through his hair, taming the unruly blonde locks. He continued to ramble on as he headed out of the restroom with Chris following behind, but not before grabbing a flyer and folding it, tucking it into his back pocket.

  ***

  In the weeks that followed their initial meeting at the club, Colton became a permanent fixture in Chris’s life. Chris loved the little mans fearless attitude and his personality was infectious. He was always happy and energetic; he reminded Chris a lot of the bunny rabbit that beat the drum on those commercials. Michael and Max immediately warmed to the young man as well, and having Colton around to hang out with and join the three of them for dinner and movies made Chris feel less like a third wheel.

  There was an unseasonably nice afternoon one Saturday when they’d planned to see a movie and maybe introduce Michael and Max to club Berlin. Since the weather in the city was unseasonably nice, Chris decided to grill and they hung out on their rooftop garden instead. He sent Max out on a beer run while he and Michael started getting the burgers ready. When Colton arrived he helped them carry the food and extras upstairs to the roof. “Wow, it’s so nice out today, and the garden is starting to bloom,” Colton noted.

  The rooftop garden wasn’t very large. It was an open area that held a large picnic table with benches, a couple of patio chairs, a grill and along the perimeter of the building, adjacent to the wall, was an L shaped garden with wooden boxes that housed plants, herbs and a several rose bushes. Chris had just fired up the grill when Max joined them, dragging the wheeled cooler full of beer behind him. Chris turned when Max hollered his name and caught the can of Budweiser that sailed toward his head.

  Chris stoked the fire and smiled as he listened to Michael telling Colton about a co-worker of his that he wanted to set Colton up on a blind date with. Other than that, he wasn’t paying any attention to what was taking place behind him. He set the uncooked patties on the grill along with some corn and veggies wrapped in foil, completely unaware that Max had grabbed an empty planter and filled it with ice and water, until he felt the cold water tickling his spine.

  Chris jumped and yelped at the same time, “Fucking son of a bitch!” he whirled around to three smiling faces. Colton was laughing so hard he almost fell of his bench. Chris jerked his now wet shirt over his head and turned slightly, balling it up and chunking it at his best friends head. Michael just laughed at him, catching the shirt in the air before it could make contact with his face, then tossing it back at Chris’s feet. He didn’t even think about the fact he wasn’t wearing his usual wife beater under the shirt, or the fact that his jeans were sitting low on his hips until he heard Colton gasp.

  “Oh my god Chris, what the hell happened to you?!” Colton screeched.

  “Oh, Chris, I’m sorry, I didn’t think…” Max was rambling when Chris turned, a half smile half grimace plastered on his handsome face.

  “S’okay Max, Colton was going to find out eventually. Let me just get these burgers plated and I’ll tell you the story behind the scar Col.” Chris’s voice was calm, to spite the warning bells that were gonging inside his head. This was it, time to tell Colton about the accident and Amanda and see if he ran, like everyone else.

  Colton stared at Chris’s back while he calmly finished cooking the food. There was a large Raven taking flight that stretched from shoulder to shoulder across Chris’s upper back, then the cross on his lower back in the area most people referred to as the tramp stamp. What caught Colton’s attention at first was that the cross was sideways instead of standing straight up as it should. When Colton strained to see the detailing inside the cross was when he noticed the mottled skin underneath. It looked almost like Chris had been burned, but the scarred skin was trapped inside the confines of the tattoo.

  The longer Colton stared, the more the scarring stood out in comparison to the tattoo and he wasn’t sure how he’d missed it before. When Chris turned and gave him a sad smile, Colton felt ashamed for staring and diverted his gaze to his beer bottle, picking at the label for something to do. He jerked slightly when he felt a firm grip on his shoulder, looking up at Chris who was smiling down at him.

  Chris sat the plate of burgers in the middle of the table then slid onto the bench seat next to Colton and started building his burger before he spoke again. “So, you know that Michael and I grew up together and that I was supposed to go to Bama on a football scholarship, but that fell through and Michael convinced me to move here to New York with him.” Colton nodded, he did know all that. There
had been a car accident he remembered, Chris was hurt in the accident and that ended his dream of playing football, he didn’t know much more than that about that time in Chris’s life.

  “Well, what I haven’t told you, what I never tell anyone, is what happened the night of the accident.”

  “Chris, you don’t have to…” Colton was cut off with a wave of Chris’s hand.

  “Yes Col I do, you should know the truth, that I’m a murderer.” Colton drew back a little, his hand covering his mouth as he stared at Chris in shock. Michael slammed his beer bottle down on the table across from them, making both Chris and Colton jump, jerking their heads around.

  “Goddammit Chris, don’t say it like that!” he shouted, so angry he turned red in the face. “Is Amanda dead, yes she is, was it your fault, yes it was, but it was an accident Chris. They call them accidents for a fucking reason! You screwed up and you’ve paid for that and then some. If you want to tell Colton the story then tell him, but do not I repeat, do not call yourself a murderer again! Not in front of me!” Max wrapped his arms around Michael’s waist and turned him, burying his boyfriend’s head under his chin, whispering for him to calm down.

  Max was sorely used to this routine after five years. Chris was always too hard on himself when talking about the accident. It was as if Chris thought the self-deprecating approach he had to his memories were some sort of penance on his part, like he had to make himself out to be the biggest monster on the planet in order to make up for his mistakes. So Max did what he always did, he held Michael until he calmed down and in turn, calmed Chris down.

  After a few intense minutes of awkward silence, Michael unwrapped himself from Max’s embrace and turned to face Chris again, his eyes red and brimming with unshed tears. When Colton stole a glance in Chris’s direction he saw his face was flushed and his eyes too were misty. He turned to face Chris again and reached over, gently patting his friend on the arm. “Okay Chris, tell me what happened the night of the accident; let me decide for myself how I want to see you after I hear your story, okay.”

  Chris just stared down at his untouched burger as he took a trip down memory lane. He told Colton everything from how he and Amanda met, fell in love and made plans for a life together after high school. Every major event in their lives that led up to the night of the party, how Michael tried to convince Chris not to drive, but he did just to prove that he was invincible. How in the aftermath of the accident his family disowned him, his trial, his downward spiral into booze, drugs and depression. How Michael picked him up, slapped some sense into him then dusted his ass off and dragged him to New York to start a new life.

  The memories of a beautiful blonde with an infectious laugh who was someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, who could have been someone’s wife, someone’s mother, haunted his every waking thought just as much as she haunted his dreams. But that was a secret he kept to himself because if Michael knew he still had nightmares about Amanda and the accident, he’d demand Chris start seeing a shrink again. Thinking about how well that worked for him three years ago made Chris shudder. When he stole a glance in Michael’s direction, he met with a somewhat knowing stare from his best friend.

  Michael opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by Colton. “Oh my god Chris, that is probably the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life. How could everyone just push you out of their lives like that? Your parents, your friends? I don’t understand…” Colton’s voice grew an octave with every sentence he spoke until Chris cut him off by placing a hand on his shoulder.

  A sad smile graced his handsome face, “It’s okay Col, I messed up and I own that. Besides, I’ve still got Michael and Max, and now you.” Chris chuckled at his friend when Colton grabbed a napkin to blow his nose and wipe the tears away.

  “Do you have a picture of her? Of Amanda?” Colton asked.

  Chris nodded and reached into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet he opened it and removed the now almost worn out snapshot of him with Amanda on his back after they won State championships in 2009.

  Colton took the picture, smiling at the love that radiated off the image. “Oh wow, she is beautiful isn’t she? Almost pretty enough to turn a gay boy straight I’d say.” Colton laughed as Chris shoved him gently. He didn’t even realize he still had the flyer from the other night in his pocket until Michael reached over and grabbed it where it sat underneath Chris’s wallet.

  “What’s this?” he asked as he unfolded the paper, he scanned the words on the page before giving Chris a questioning glare, bordering on angry. “What the fuck is this Chris?” Michael demanded.

  Chris reached for the paper, but Michael jerked his hand back, refusing to let it go. “No, tell me why you have this. You can’t possibly be considering this Chris?” the question hung in the air, thick, like the constant smog in the city.

  Chris placed his hands palms down on the table and glared right back at his angry friend. “It’s just an idea Michael, don’t get all worked up, okay? I haven’t decided if I’m even going to do it yet or not.”

  Max plucked the flyer out of his boyfriend’s hand and looked it over…

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  There was a phone number, website link and an email address in small print at the bottom of the flyer. Max whistled and shook his head then grinned at Chris. Michael snatched the flyer out of his hand and tore it in half. Chris didn’t even blink; he knew where he could find another one if Michael decided to tear this one to shreds.

  “Michael I’m unemployed, broke and all but homeless. If it weren’t for you and Max letting me stay here and the inheritance money from my grandfather, I’d be on the streets.” Chris tried to make his friend see his reasoning for considering this alternative for employment.

  “Dammit Chris, you can sleep on our couch forever.” Max shook his head, it made Chris laugh. “Stop it, both of you, I’m being serious here. You are straight Chris, you are not a bigot or a homophobe, but if you do this you will have to have sex with another man, you realize that right?”

  Chris ran his hand down his face, sighing, trying to find the right words to say. “Look, I haven’t said I’m going to do this yet okay? You’re right, I don’t know if I can, but I’ve been doing some online research and there are a lot of guys that just model nude and jack off on camera for these sites. It’s not as big of a payday as the sex is, but it’s better than nothing right now Michael. Besides, I’m sure if I decide to take it up the ass, you can give me a few pointers.” Chris said the last part playfully, and Michael finally relaxed a little, laughing at him.

  “No way! You can ask Max or Colton, but don’t come knocking on my door for a beginner class in gay sex 101.”

  Colton was jumping up and down in his seat; it was hysterical. “Oh, Oh! Pick me, Pick me!” He was waving his hand in the air like they did in grade school when waiting to be called on. Chris knocked his hand down, laughing at his newest friend.

  Crisis averted, they finally dug into their now cold burgers, washing them down with warm beer while Max and Colton tried to one-up each other with filthy gay sex jokes. Chris noticed Michael starring at the torn flyer a couple times, and then looking in his direction. He knew there would be more questions and a longer discussion that night after Colton went home.

  ~ Chapter 2 | All Cocks ~

  Chris tossed and turned that night before he finally fell into a restless sleep
. When the sun streaming in through the open curtains woke him the next morning, he just laid there for a while staring at the ceiling, weighing his options. He had applied for hundreds of jobs over the past few years since moving to New York, but the final answer was always the same. No one wanted to hire someone with an Involuntary Manslaughter charge on their record. If it wasn’t for the money he got when his Grandfather died not long after he moved to New York, he would have been up the proverbial creek.

  That line of thought only made Chris bury his head under his pillow, his Grandfathers death. His father called Michael to tell him, not Chris, and made it perfectly clear that Chris was not welcome at the funeral. And then when his dad called back a few days later to tell Michael about the will, Michael said the man was livid about having to give his ‘disappointment of a son’ so much as one red cent. In the end it was the anger and frustration Chris felt over being abandoned by his family that pushed him to make the call to All Cocks.

  The next day, Chris made his way downtown to the address he’d been given for his interview. The small, non-descript office building housed about a dozen doors Chris noticed, as he made his way to Suite 69, and yes, he laughed at the irony. Inside he found a bubbling brunette that wore more eye makeup than Tammy Faye Bakker with a headset precisely positioned on top of her pinned back hair, smiling up at him as he entered the room.